Hero

Last night I was the hero. There were fifty of us trying to stop this powerful man who was set on stealing whatever he wanted and killing at will. When he hit people they flew for hundreds of feet and could punch clean through walls. He was a supervillain. We, a bunch of everyday people trying to help, surrounded him in an alley. He hit me and the shock wave from my body threw everyone behind me far away. I did not move. I grabbed him and continually slammed him into the wall until he could move no longer. I defeated the supervillain. Everyone praised me and talked about it. I was treated and discussed as a superhero.

But I did not feel like a hero, much less like a superhero. I felt inadequate. I felt that I got lucky. I felt that anyone could have done it. I left the scene with my head down and m heart sinking. I awoke with the same feeling of shame. Even my most incredible successes are never good enough. My failures are much worse.

Often, I feel so free from any sense of shame whatsoever because of what God has done. I still sometimes feel the depth of the sin from my past. So often when I sin now, regardless of what or the extent or the loving reactions of my friends, I can feel all of the shame from all of the sins I can remember, and I'm sure from some that I can't recall. The feeling puts me in place where I feel so worthless, ugly, disgusting that I sin to medicate. I then give even more life to my sinful nature, the very thing in me that is killing me. It's vicious. It's my fault. It brings more shame.

I can't express myself. I wish I could describe where I'm at right now. I don't really know how to. Perhaps I'll try to be more specific. I feel like God has called me to do things that he has not called anyone else to do or equipped anyone else to do - not because I'm superior, but because I'm unique and loved. I feel like I'm hardly doing anything right. I feel like I'm lazy. I feel ashamed. I feel less than everyone else. I feel not okay with being a sinner. I feel moody. I feel like I'm too up and down. I feel broken. I feel like I have darkened my world and the world of those around me. I feel like I don't pray enough. I feel weak. I feel that I cannot overcome. I feel like I'm behind. I feel like a failure. I feel scared. I feel like I hurt too many people. I feel like I will never love people right; worse, I feel that I will never love God right. I want to follow Jesus deeply, for in my inner being I delight in God's law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging a war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man am I! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-through Christ Jesus our Lord!