In recent months, since the summer perhaps (I can't put an exact date on it), my heart has healed in different ways that has left me free to seriously consider and pursue a relationship with girls. And those that know me understand that I want that deeply. It's just something that God has placed upon my heart to desire and go after. I know I haven't been designed for timidity or hesitancy. I move forward, full of the love that drives out all fear.
At least mentally, that's what I did. I opened myself, again, to the possibility of dating someone. For a plethora (most people say they like this word, I think it's kind of lame) of good reasons, manifested actions were curtailed. Well, I did ask one girl on a casual date, but she declined (which I was down with, just glad I didn't sit on my butt and wish I would have asked). It mainly involved rethinking about what it is I desire in a woman and I permitted myself to dream of a Spirit-infused, Christ-centered, Father-glorifying relationship. It's quite the dream.
My dream became a longing. Remembrances of what was not a part of my life perpetuated my wishes for someone to share, experience, and grow with. The passionate craving became a part of my daily existence. I would often think and pray it over, hoping that soon I would have an opportunity to at least experience an infinitesimal degree of it or at least move toward it, however slowly. At no point was my desire sinful, and it's not like I was objectifying women in the way men sometimes do, as things to fill our desire for partnership and relational intimacy (as opposed to objectifying to satisfy virulent lust). Until today. Today I felt an ache like I haven't felt in years. I burned for my dreams to become my reality, or at least to begin emerging. I felt half-full and all but incapacitated.
And I asked why. "My heart aches Lord. What is this emotion? Why is this emotion even existing? Do You want me to feel this way? Is this just my depravity coming through? Just let me feel what You want me to feel. Oh please help me understand this pain!" Then, in His unique voice, quieter than silence, clearer than water, He explained. This ache, this longing beyond what I can remember experiencing, is good. Inherently good. For my desideratum is not a relationship, but YHWH. May my ache drive me to a ceaseless Pursuit.
